[PODCAST EPISODE 17] How to Create an Extraordinary MarriageFeb 04, 2021
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About the show:
If you're having difficulty losing weight and a tough time in your marriage, chances are these two things are connected. But you can improve both areas of your life. Listen to this episode to learn two things I've done in my own personal life to take my marriage from just OK to extraordinary. You'll also hear how creating an extraordinary marriage has affected other areas of my life, including weight loss and weight maintenance.
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Read the full episode transcript below:
Welcome to the Weight Loss Before and After Pregnancy Podcast. The place you’ll get simple strategies you can apply to your life today to start losing weight. Strategies that’ll help you reach your goal, move on with your life, and focus on the things that matter most to you. I’m your host, Certified Life and Weight Coach, Andrea Scalici. Let’s get started.
Hey everybody. Welcome to episode 17.
Before we get started I wanted to quickly answer a question I’ve been asked several times. It’s a question I get a lot and one you might have too. So, I thought I’d answer it here.
The question I get is around who I coach, who I work with. People ask me, “How long before and after pregnancy do you work with your clients?”
If your goal is to lose weight before you get pregnant, I like to work with my clients at least six months to a year before they start trying for a baby.
And if your goal is to lose weight after pregnancy, I work with my clients after they’ve had their baby, once they’ve completed breastfeeding, and their doctors have given them the ok to start losing weight. It varies for every person because everyone’s situation is different.
But I also want to say this. Whether you had your kids one year ago, five years ago, or ten or more years ago, I can help you. The weight loss process I teach is the same no matter how long it’s been, as long as it’s been long enough that your doctor has given you the ok.
We’ll meet online for a little bit, have a fun talk about your goals and how you can reach them. Then, you can decide if you want to move forward and work with me. It’s that easy.
My email again is [email protected]. I would love to meet you.
Ok. So, today we’re going to talk about creating an extraordinary marriage.
If you aren’t married, but you want to work on your relationship with someone else in your life, like your kids, your Mom or Dad, specific friends and family members, your best friend, maybe your colleagues at work, or even yourself, if you want to work on your relationship with anyone other than your spouse, just remove the word marriage and replace it with relationship. What we’re going to talk about here can apply to your marriage or any relationship in your life.
You might be wondering why I’m talking about this in a weight loss podcast. And the answer is pretty straightforward.
Many people are struggling to lose weight. And many people are having trouble with their marriages. In most cases, this is not a coincidence, because remember, how you feel directly impacts what you do. And what you do ultimately gives you your results.
So, if you’re feeling terrible about your marriage, or just OK about your marriage, that’s going to affect what you do, the actions you take, how you show up.
And if you’re feeling terrible or just OK about your weight, that’s also going to affect what you do, the actions you take, how you show up.
For those of us who struggle with emotional eating, feeling terrible or just OK about your marriage or your weight, usually means you’re eating more food than normal to try to make yourself feel better about both of these situations.
I’ve totally been there. And a lot of other people have too and are right now.
Now, I want to say something upfront. I’m not an expert in marriages. I’m not a marriage coach. And I don’t focus my coaching practice on this subject. But I’ve noticed that success or failure with weight loss and how you feel about your marriage can be related.
So, I wanted to do this episode today and tell you a little bit about what I’ve learned about this topic. I wanted to share with you the work I’ve done in my own personal life to go from an OK marriage to an extraordinary one, with the same husband I might add who didn’t have to change at all. And I wanted to maybe give you ideas for yourself so you can do the same thing.
Ok. Now that I got that out, let’s dive in.
There’s two big, important things I learned that dramatically improved my marriage.
The first thing I learned was that thoughts create relationships.
The second thing I learned was the difference between expectations and requests. Like, the real difference.
We’re going to talk about each of these today because they are exactly how I went from an OK marriage to an extraordinary one. And they can work for you too.
So, the first thing. Thoughts create relationships.
I used to think relationships were mysterious. I used to think I had to act a certain way to get people to like me or want to be in a relationship with me. It was very confusing and mysterious.
But then I learned the simplicity of what a relationship really is. Thoughts are relationships.
What do I mean by this?
Well, all the thoughts you have about your family and friends equal your relationship with them.
All the thoughts you have about your kids equal your relationship with them.
All the thoughts you have about your husband, spouse, partner, that special person in your life, equal your relationship with them. Your feelings about them.
And all the thoughts you have about yourself equal your relationship with yourself. Your feelings towards yourself.
Seriously. That’s all a relationship is. That’s all a marriage is.
The other person has almost nothing to do with it. It’s really one-sided for both of you. Right?
You don’t have to try to change them and they don’t have to try to change you. It wouldn’t work anyways.
Instead, you work on your own thoughts about your husband or partner, without them changing anything. This is enough for you to have the marriage you want.
But, if your husband or partner also works on their thoughts about you, without you changing anything, that’s an added bonus for the marriage.
But again, he or she doesn’t have to change anything or work on anything. If you do this work, that’s all you’ll need, personally, to have the marriage you want.
So, here’s how thoughts create relationships.
You think about your husband or the special person in your life, that makes you feel a certain way inside, and creates your relationship with them.
Your husband or the special person in your life thinks about you, they feel a certain way based on what they’re thinking, and that creates their relationship with you.
Before I became a life coach, before I lost my weight, before I learned any of this stuff, I would say I had an OK relationship with my husband.
And after I became a life coach and learned all this stuff, I decided that I didn’t want an OK relationship anymore. I wanted an extraordinary one. And because I had learned that my thoughts create my relationships, I knew I could have the exact relationship that I wanted, with a little work.
So, I started to work on it. And it took me a lot less time than I expected to start to turn things around.
For just a few weeks, I spent like five to ten minutes every morning writing down everything I loved about my husband. He didn’t even know I was doing this.
Then, once that list grew and grew, and I felt connected to him in a way I hadn’t in a long time, I started to say some of these things out loud to him. Not because I was trying to manipulate him or his feelings, but because I was feeling these positive things about him so strongly that I was basically compelled to tell him out loud what I was thinking.
Telling him how much I love him, how sexy he is, how much I love our life together, and all the other mushy stuff. I started to get very verbal with him about how I was feeling.
Now, I’m not saying I felt positive things for him all the time. Definitely not. But I am saying that I purposefully did the work to direct my brain towards more of the positive than I had been before.
At first, it felt a little forced, but after a while, it became more genuine, more authentic, more natural for me to think and feel this way towards him and to say how I was feeling out loud.
And when I got to that point, my relationship with my husband didn’t feel just OK anymore. It felt extraordinary. And I got to feel all that love inside of me. I got to feel all that positivity about him and our life together more often.
And ironically, because of this, my husband started to think better thoughts about me and his relationship with me. And because both of us were feeling on top of the world, we both started to naturally take better care of ourselves, like eating in a healthier way.
So, the second thing I learned that dramatically improved my marriage was the difference between expectations and requests. This is a big one.
Any expectation you have for your husband or partner around what you want them to think, feel, or do, just take those expectations out of your brain, stomp on them, burn them to the ground, get rid of them. They aren’t helping you in your marriage at all.
Why aren’t expectations helping you? Let’s play it out.
Let’s say you expect your husband or partner to take out the trash every week. And let’s say he or she doesn’t do it this week.
Maybe you make that mean they don’t listen to you, they don’t love you, they don’t want to live the same way you do. Or maybe you make that mean they’re disrespectful or that you have to do everything around here.
If you expect him or her to take out the trash, and they don’t, and you make it mean any of those things, you’re also likely blaming him or her for your reaction and your emotions in this moment. You’re blaming him or her for you yelling at them or ignoring them and for you feeling upset.
But this isn’t actually true.
So, take those expectations out of your brain, stomp on them, burn them to the ground, get rid of them. They aren’t helping you in your marriage at all. They aren’t helping you as a person at all.
The truth is, your emotions are never created by another person. They’re never created by something another person says, feels, or does. Never.
Your emotions are created by one thing. The thoughts in your brain.
So, here’s what I recommend you do instead.
Instead of having expectations, you can make requests of that person. You can request he or she bring the trash out. But here’s the big difference between expectations and requests.
If you request that person bring the trash out, and that person doesn’t comply with your request, they don’t do what you’ve asked, they don’t bring the trash out, don’t make that mean anything about you. Don’t use that as a reason to react. Don’t put blame on that person or situation or whatever for your emotions. Don’t resent them.
You request your husband or partner take the trash out, and whether or not they do it, you are responsible for your reaction and how you feel.
Maybe in certain situations in your life you’ll want to feel sad or mad or disappointed or upset. That’s totally fine. Maybe them not taking the trash out when you ask them to is one of those times. As long as you know that your thoughts about that situation or that person are what’s creating your feelings. Not the person or situation itself.
It’s certainly not a reason to react, yell at the person or situation, and blame them for your feelings or feel resentment. And it’s definitely not going to give you the marriage you want. It never did for me.
I want to ask you:
How might your marriage or your relationships change if you started practicing these two things?
If you internalize and really understand that your thoughts equal your relationships and that’s all a relationship is.
If you stop expecting things of other people and tying your emotions or reactions to whether or not they comply.
If you start making requests of other people but staying responsible for how you react and feel regardless of whether or not they do what you’ve asked.
How might things change in your life?
For me, they were the direct reasons my marriage went from just OK to extraordinary.
They helped me navigate small, daily situations like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, cleaning the house, and kids bedtime routines.
And they helped me navigate big, less frequent situations too.
I still have to practice this stuff sometimes. It doesn’t always come natural to me. But it’s totally worth it.
Not only am I satisfied with my marriage, but I’ve used the positive energy I’ve created in that area of my life, to help fuel other areas of my life too, like weight loss. And it’s helped me maintain my weight too. At least it did when I wasn’t pregnant. As you might know, I’m six months pregnant right now.
But anyways, it’s like once I started to feel better about my marriage I almost instantly wanted to take better care of myself. Sleep more, drink more water, eat better food, track my results, and continue working on the thoughts in my brain.
Weight loss and marriage were connected for me. And they might be for you too.
If they are, now you’ve got two ideas you can apply to your life to improve both.
There’s one more thing I want to say about all this. I never want to give you or my clients the impression that my life is perfect or that my marriage is perfect or that anything is perfect. And I don’t teach people how to strive for perfection. I just don’t. I don’t think it exists.
With that said, there are times I forget that thoughts create relationships. There are times I forget that I can’t control what other people think, feel, or do. And that other people aren’t directly affecting how I think, feel, and what I do. There are times I forget. I am human.
So, if I’m in one of those moments where I forget, and I react by yelling at my husband or say something rude, that’s when I remind myself about everything I’ve shared with you in this podcast episode. And all I have to do in those moments, is remind myself, get myself to a place where I’m calm and take responsibility for my own emotions, then I simply apologize to my husband. That’s it.
So, nothing is perfect. I’m not perfect. And you don’t need to try to be either.
If I could talk to you right now, I would ask you how you’re feeling when you think about and consider, even just for a minute, that this is possible. That you could have an extraordinary marriage or relationship and success with weight loss.
Do you feel excited about this possibility?
Do you feel powerful?
Do you feel skeptical maybe?
Do you feel angry? Maybe even angry at me for bringing this up.
How do you feel about this possibility?
When I first learned this stuff, I felt all the things. I felt the possibility. I felt powerful. I felt skeptical. I felt angry. I felt disappointed with myself for wasting all that time blaming other people and feeling resentment towards them, when I didn’t have to.
But most of all, I felt like something had finally clicked inside of me. Like something aligned in my brain and just made sense. And that feeling led me to create a marriage I love and many amazing relationships.
I know you can too.
Alright, hey, one last thing before I go. If you like this podcast, hit subscribe. You’ll get episodes automatically downloaded to your phone or podcast app. It also helps other people find the show and get the help they need. Hit subscribe now.
And if you have an extra minute or two, I’d really appreciate it if you left me a review. A five star review would be great but I definitely want your honest feedback so I can create future episodes that you need and want. Thanks for doing that. It means a lot to me.
Alright. That’s it for now. I’ll talk to you in the next episode.
If you loved this podcast, I want to invite you to check out The 6 Stages Weight Loss Program. It’s my signature program that’ll teach you everything you need to know from start to finish to lose weight, reach your goal, and maintain it once you’re there. You’ll also learn how to have your own back through the process. Join me over at mcccoaching.com/join. I’ll see you there.