[PODCAST EPISODE 18] Support and Accountability Gone Wrong with Simone Scalici

Feb 11, 2021
 

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About the show:
In this episode, my husband and I talk about weight loss support and accountability gone wrong. Everything we share is from our own personal experience. 

This is a seriously good conversation that you don’t want to miss. Especially if you’ve ever asked someone else to eat healthy with you. Or if you’ve ever asked someone else to exercise with you. Or if you’ve got a support person or support system or an accountability partner that isn’t really working out for you. They’re not really helping you reach your goal weight.

By the end of this conversation, you’ll understand where support and accountability can go wrong. You’ll see things from different perspectives. And you’ll have a clear idea how to bring your ideal lifestyle to life without relying on anyone else but yourself.

 

Resources from the show:

 


 

Read the full episode transcript below:

Intro:
Welcome to the Weight Loss Before and After Pregnancy Podcast. The place you’ll get simple strategies you can apply to your life today to start losing weight. Strategies that’ll help you reach your goal, move on with your life, and focus on the things that matter most to you. I’m your host, Certified Life and Weight Coach, Andrea Scalici. Let’s get started.

Podcast: 
Hey everybody. Welcome to episode 18.

I’ve got an extra special episode for you today. It’s a conversation between my husband and I talking about weight loss support and accountability gone wrong.

This is a seriously good conversation that you don’t want to miss. Especially if you’ve ever asked someone else to eat healthy with you. Or if you’ve ever asked someone else to exercise with you. Or if you’ve got a support person or support system or an accountability partner that isn’t really working out for you. They’re not really helping you reach your goal weight.

Listen closely to this one. And by the end of this conversation, you’ll understand where support and accountability can go wrong. You’ll see things from different perspectives. And you’ll have a clear idea how to bring your ideal lifestyle, with a healthy weight and all, whatever that looks like for you, bringing that ideal lifestyle to life, without relying on anyone else but you.

So, let’s dive into my conversation with my husband, Simone.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Alright everybody, here’s my husband, Simone.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Hello.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Welcome to the show, hunny.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Oh, thanks hunny. I’m happy to do it.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Thanks for coming on.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] We’ve been very excited about this for awhile and now let’s do it.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Alright. So, I just wanted to quickly give everybody a backstory. We met in 2009 and we got married in 2011. And when we first met and got married, I was very healthy, very active, and I was at my ideal weight.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, it was great. I was too.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] And we’ve been married now, we’re coming up on our ten year anniversary. We’re very excited about that. So, we met and we were both fit and healthy and at our ideal weights. And I mean, you never really put on weight, you don’t have that much weight to put on, but I definitely put on the pounds pretty soon after we got married. Why that happened was all this emotional eating and things going on in our lives that I just, you know.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Oh yea.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Reached for the food and started putting on the weight. So, how did you feel marrying somebody at their ideal weight and then quickly after getting married to them having them put on a little, you know, put on a couple pounds?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Well, it happened kind of slowly so it’s like the, you know, the frog in the water that you start to heat and it doesn’t realize it’s hot until it’s too late, kind of thing. You know, and I love you and you’re pretty and stuff so it didn’t really seem like it made that big of a deal. We were still pretty active. We still went on bike rides and stuff. But yea, it was a little concerning. It was a little concerning. Because I didn’t feel like I had much to do with it. Or I couldn’t really help or whatever. And I just, you know, I’m a couple of pounds more than I should be right now, but, you know, I never really had an issue. So, to me, having an extra slice of pizza or a glass of beer or whatever was not a problem for me. So, it never really occurred to me that if you ate more than you were supposed to, you would gain weight.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea, we definitely, at the beginning of our relationship, we loved going out to bars and restaurants and having beer and pizza and all that stuff. And yea, the weight, I tried to keep up as much as I could because it was so much fun. And also, you know, there was a lot of, sort of negative emotions happening at the same time that led to me with my overeating problem. But that started, quickly, kind of quickly, in my mind, after we got married. I guess to you it was kind of a slow progressive thing. And for about six years I really put on the weight and I really struggled to try to take it off. And I remember starting, every once in a while I would get really motivated and want to start a program and want to lose the weight. And get back to the way that things used to be. I would get all ramped up. I would try it, and just like days later I would be, like, driving through the drive thru and just like totally fail on my program. And then I would just, you know, feel really terrible, and I would come to you and I would complain and I would just wonder what I could differently and a lot of that time I would come to you and ask for your help. I would say, “Can you just take over? Can you just, like, you know, you know, buy the food, bring the food in, cook the food, force me to go exercise? Can you just, like, take over? I don’t want to deal with this because I just can’t do it.” And I remember you saying a lot, like, “Do you want me to put a lock on the pantry cabinet for you and I’ll just, like, carry the key around?” Do you remember that?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] I am not a health professional.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] What’s that?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] It should be noted here that I am not a health professional. Like, I put cheese on my pizza, you know. But it was interesting. You would start something and be super psyched about it and a week or six weeks, or whatever it was, you know, you would blow it once. And then you’re like, “Alright. Forget it. I give up.” You know, and I think a lot of people do that. And that’s why a lot of those, what do they call it, yo-yo dieting, or whatever?

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] And because I don’t think you had that if you stumble once, ok great, get back up, brush yourself off, keep going, you know. Yea, it was frustrating. I mean, I saw how you tried really hard. And then one thing, you know, you’d whatever, go get a burger or something, and you’re like, “Alright. Forget that diet.” And it’s like, “Oh, ok. I guess, you know. Whatever. You try again next time or not. You know. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea, and I want everyone to know that when I was doing this, this was before I found life coaching and before I learned everything I know now. So, I definitely fell into that cycle that a lot of people fall into where they start a program, eat off the program once, and then just like give up on it completely. And end up totally frustrated and just annoyed with everything. And a lot of that time, every time I failed, I would give up, and I would be really frustrated, and then I would go to my husband and complain, and I would just ask him to do it for me. I put all these expectations on him. I gave up responsibility for my goal. I gave up responsibility for just anything that I could do for my own health. And I just put it on him. And so, that’s kind of where support and accountability can go wrong. It’s when you have expectations of other people and you give them all of the responsibility for reaching your goal. Or for achieving anything that’s outside of them that you want to achieve. That’s where it can go wrong. So, I want to talk a little bit about your perspective on this. So, every time I came to you and I would ask you to help me. Actually, it wasn’t really asking. It was more like pleading and begging for you to just, like, take over and help me lose the weight. So, your perspective on that. How did you feel? What were you thinking?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, I don’t know. I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t know what you wanted me to do. Do you want me to make you, like, lock up the fridge, lock up the cabinet, make you dinner, put it down, bolt you to the chair, so you had to finish your dinner? And then take away your wallet so you couldn’t go get an ice cream? I mean, did you want me to be like a, your personal trainer, you know, and help you do your, whatever, leg lifts or something? I have always led an active life. I’ve never been like a gym, super exercise at the gym guy. I know we did try to stay active. But, you know, that’s not really enough to just go on walks and bike rides and stuff. Yea, I had no idea what you wanted me to do. And therefore I didn’t do it very well. And it seemed like you got frustrated really, really quickly. And vicious cycle style, would get frustrated, you would frustratedly eat, and then the pounds would go on, and you know, it would kind of.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea, and whenever that happened, it seemed like I would blame you for my failure, right? Because I was like, “Well, he told me he would help me with this. He told me he would, you know, take responsibility. And then I failed, so it’s his fault. And so, how did you feel, you know, when that cycle would happen and I would blame you for my failure?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Confused because you’re like telling me to take you on a trip, without a map, and I take you somewhere and you’re like, “That’s not where I want to go.” “Well, I don’t know where you want to go so this is a place.”

[Host: Andrea Scalici] That’s a great analogy. Yea.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] And I think I was also kind of complacent because, you would, you know, “Oh, I had a really hard day. Let’s just order pizza.” And I would be like, “Well, I don’t know. That’s not really on your diet.” You’re like, “I don’t care.” And I’m like, “Ok. I’ll go pick it up. What do you want?” You know, I didn’t have a lot of resolution as far as, cause I didn’t know I was supposed to. I didn’t know. Am I supposed to handcuff you to the chair? And say, “No pizza for you.” You know.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] I think, like, from my perspective, I kept asking for help because it was easier for me to put, like, the responsibility and all the expectations on you than it was myself. Like, I knew I couldn’t do it myself because I didn’t have the tools I have now with all the life coaching, you know, tools that I have found. And I didn’t know, so I didn’t think I could do it myself. Everytime I tried, I would fail, and like, be driving through a drive thru. So, I thought putting it on you, I knew that would end up in failure because it had so many times. But it was easier for me to blame you for it in my mind. That had to have felt terrible to you. And at the time, I really didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t understand.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, I didn’t really take it too personally or, like, super seriously. Because, again, I had no idea what to do. But, I mean, you didn’t really come out right and be like, “You failed me.” But you also, I think, blamed me in other ways. And, you know, yea, it wasn’t terribly helpful. It made me feel very frustrated. And occasionally, sort of like, well geez, I am not doing a very good job. How can I do a better job? Like, do I need to go to the farmer’s market and get, you know, rutabagas and asparagus and, like, have this nice, you know, meal that way? Like, is that the thing that we’re missing? I think a lot of what I was thinking when it was feeling like you were blaming me for stuff was, “What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? If only I did this, then maybe that program would have worked.”

[Host: Andrea Scalici] So, you were kind of accepting the blame too at the time, huh?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, I’m a people pleaser. I’ll shoulder your burden a little bit. You know, I got nothing. It goes off, you know, it rolls off my back real easy.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] It’s a terrible cycle that a lot of people find themselves in. And, you know, it’s like, for six years, this went on. For six years, I had gained weight and kept trying programs and failing and coming to you for help. And you know, like, putting all the expectations and all my responsibility onto you for it, and then failing, and then blaming you. And it really wasn’t a great thing for our marriage at all.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Well, to be fair, I accept some responsibility. In that, I kind of let you. I’d be like, “Sure, I’ll be your whatever. I’ll do this. I’ll not tell you that, like, hunny, this is not working.”

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] You know, cause whatever, we had a life and we were doing stuff and working and running around.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] But there was always this underlying, for six years there was always this underlying, like, I don’t know what it was, like, like, maybe it was, not tension, but like, just a restlessness and just an unhappiness with our life. At least from my perspective. And it was all based on, I thought it was all based on this weight stuff. You know, cause the weight is the physical thing I see that makes me, you know, that I can see. But really what was happening was all really in my mindset. And I didn’t learn that until I found life coaching that really the issues I was having were all really on the inside and the weight just happened to show, it was like a physical representation of what was going on on the inside for me.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, it was the symptom. I mean, I think you were pretty frustrated with a lot of things. You know, as was I. I just didn’t show it very much. And you would go to bed and I would just go down stairs and eat some ice cream and have a glass of whiskey and watch YouTube for an hour. And that’s how I coped and just, “Oh, I need a little personal time.” No, but I mean, yea, you felt restless. You didn’t feel terribly fulfilled professionally. We were living in a not terribly exciting area. We didn’t have enough disposable income to, you know, spend our way out of depression. Or, you know, whatever people try to do.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] So, if any of you listening can relate to this. You know, if you’re having similar or the same issues that we were having, you’re stuck in this cycle, I want you to know that there is a way out. And I want to talk about that right now. So, back in 2018, I was at my highest weight and I was super frustrated with everything. And one day, I remember, I was sitting in my home office working, and Simone came into my office and I just, like, started venting. He just came in to be like, “Hi hunny, how’s your day?” And I just, like, started venting at him telling him about all the things I hated about our life. You know, my weight was definitely one of those things. I just couldn’t get a hold of it and I just felt, like, out of control and frustrated and I just, like, unleashed it all. And he is a very, you know, a very calm guy. He has a very, you know, sound mind. He just sat there and listened to me and let me go. And he, when I was done, he was just like, “Hunny, you really need to work on yourself from the inside out.” He probably doesn’t even remember saying this but I remember because it totally changed everything for me. And after he left, I was so mad. I was even more mad because he had said that. I was like, “Really, it’s my fault? How can he put this back on me?” So, after I, like, calmed down, and I got over it, I pulled out my podcast app because I knew he was right. I knew there was something going on with me that nothing on the outside could fix. It was all internal. So, I pulled out my podcast app, and I searched the words ‘life coach’ and that’s when I found The Life Coach School Podcast, which completely changed every aspect of my life. I started listening for just a couple of weeks. And then, not long after, I signed up for their Coach Certification program and was able to, like, immerse myself into this new world of life coaching. And by doing that, it really helped me change my marriage, change my weight, like, start to live and create my ideal lifestyle. And I just want to know from your perspective, Simone, like, what did you think about the shift that happened with me? Not only with my weight, but, like, just with my mind and how I stopped blaming you for things. I stopped giving up my own responsibility and putting it on you. I stopped expecting things of you and, like, tying my emotions to it. Like, from your perspective, how was that shift?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] It was great. I’m glad you finally listened to me. No, it was great. I mean, you, almost overnight, kind of, were able to take a step back and look at what you were doing and what you were thinking and separate them. And, kind of, understand why what you were thinking caused what you were doing. Instead of, you know, lumping it all into just one evening of frustration or whatever. No, I think it was great. You became a lot more self-aware and I think self-critical, in a good way.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Self-critical, that is interesting, what do you mean by that?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Well, you were able to look at, you were able to step back and objectively look at what you were doing and, kind of, get down to the root of why it was happening. And then be able to, you know, forensically investigate what caused that. And then figure out what you were thinking and figure out what was happening in the world and, kind of, link it all together and break the, like, automatic cycle of, “If I get frustrated, I think crummy thoughts, and I go eat a pizza.” You know, you were able to, like, break that and be like, “If I get frustrated, stop. Why am I frustrated?” You know, and just take a breath in between those and not just let the vicious cycle continue. And you instantly became way easier to talk to. Like, we would, if I had something that I knew would be a little bit of an argument or disagreement or we wouldn’t instantly see eye to eye on, I would have to, kind of, choose my timing sometimes. Be like, “Oh, this is not a good time.” You know, maybe not before dinner or not, you know, just have to choose a good time to talk about it because I knew that if I had an uphill battle then it would be an uphill battle.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Are you talking about, like, before?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, before, I would really have to choose, like, alright, I’ve got something, like, I really want to go out drinking with my buddies one night or I want to go buy something silly or whatever it was. And then after you found the whole life coaching thing and got into it, to the point where you really started to understand how it worked and apply that to yourself, you were way more amenable to just talking about something and not becoming emotional about it. Which I thought was very helpful because I probably get a little more emotional than I admit. But I do really try to be able to talk about things without personally investing emotion into it. So, it would make it hard to talk about things with you sometimes. Yea, I think, I noticed you were more positive. I noticed that you actually were interested in making, like, a meal plan for the week and helping me with a shopping list. For your listeners that don’t know, I really love going grocery shopping and you really, really hate it. We’d work together to talk about a meal plan for the week, put a grocery list together, actually make the meals, and stick to the meal plan. And it was like, “Wow, this is really easy and really nice and we don’t have to think about what we’re having for dinner. And there’s way less chance me stopping by and getting tacos on the way home or pizza on the way home because we have a plan, and we have the stuff, and it’s ready to go.” I was very happy. It made my life a lot easier too. So, thanks. And I think it made your life a lot easier too. You didn't, you weren’t constantly trying to figure stuff out because you had, you know, a plan and you had a positive outlook and you knew how to figure stuff out. You know, you weren’t looking for excuses to not do what you probably knew you, kind of, needed to do. And I think you just cut out the bull didn’t have excuses anymore.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] So, I think the way I’ve heard you explain it to me before, and correct if I’m wrong, is, like, really the pressure came off of you. Right? I started taking responsibility for not only my own eating, but I also started taking responsibility for all of my own emotions and how I was thinking about things. And I didn’t put that on you anymore. So, really the way that you’ve described it to me is that the pressure came off you. Do you agree with that?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Oh, definitely. Definitely. Rather than me seeming like I was the cause of all of the problems. I was why you didn’t eat the meal that we planned. Or I was why you were all frustrated. And, I mean, sometimes I am why you’re frustrated. But just not all the time. Yea, the pressure definitely came off. I felt like we were back, kind of, in a mutually beneficial relationship. Like we were helping support each other, do what we wanted to do, versus I was obligated to, kind of, prop you up from falling over.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] No, yea, that makes sense. I think, like, so when we first met in 2009, then we got married in 2011, I was at my ideal weight, you know, we had this whole bumpy journey that ended up with me finding life coaching and really things started to feel, we started to feel connected again. And we started to have mutual respect and each take responsibility for all of our own, you know, emotions and everything. And things really started to shift for us in our marriage at that point. And how do you feel, just like from a physical standpoint, how do you feel having your wife back? Like, in her old body. Right now I’m pregnant, right, so right now I’m not in my old body. But I will be again, as soon as, you know, I have the chance here. But how did you feel when I started losing the weight before I got pregnant and really started to become, not the person I was in 2011, but the new version of me?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] I felt great. I mean, I felt relieved, in that I saw that all the progress that you made is now progress. And it’s not going to be a, you know, yo-yo diet or whatever else. And really happy that you were happy. No, I felt very happy. Very proud of you for really finding something that you really cared about and sticking to it and doing an awesome job of it.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Awwww, thanks.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] I felt a little bit relieved that, like, I didn’t have to, sort of, shoulder the burden anymore. And I wasn’t doing a very good job anyway. So, you know, it’s good that you found a great solution to many of your problems. And I think even some of the problems, like, just our relationship stuff that was, sort of, a happy coincidence, you know, using it to, using the mindset to lose weight, like, “Oh, you’re also using that mindset to be easier to talk to. And be more easy going.” Or be, you know, all that other stuff.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea. Yea, it’s interesting because with weight loss, I know this was the thing for me, and it’s the thing for a lot of people that I talk to, but, you know, you think, you put on the weight, and focus on the weight. You focus on getting the weight off. The physical part of the body is what needs to change in order for you to feel better, right? That’s what you think in the moment. But after finding life coaching and learning everything that I’ve learned and applying it to my life and helping other people apply it to their lives, I’ve learned that really it’s the opposite. Right? It’s all internal work. It’s all how you’re feeling. You can feel anyway that you want to at any size of your body. And physically changing your body comes later, after you’ve been able to work on your mindset and get things straight. So, yea, I think it’s the opposite than what everybody believes it to be. And that’s why I am doing what I’m doing as a Life Coach and helping people in the way that I am. The weight loss is, like you said, really just a symptom of what’s going on inside of our bodies or inside of our minds with our emotions. So, if we can get a hold of what’s happening there, the weight, you know, just kind of melts away.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, because even years ago when you were trying this diet or that diet, like, you would probably even say literally to me, “Oh, if I can only lose this weight, then I’ll be happier or I’ll feel better.” And it’s like, “Alright, I guess.” But then you started to be happier and feel better and be like, “Oh, now that I’m happier and I feel better, losing weight is not really a problem.”

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Yea, like, the weight was kind of my excuse, right? It was the excuse. This is why I feel bad, it’s because of the weight. But really it’s not the weight at all. The weight is just a symptom of how you’re feeling on the inside for a lot of people. Especially people who are emotional eaters. Alright, I just want to wrap this up with one final question. So, the question is, if there are people out there listening who are in the same cycle, support and accountability, kind of, gone wrong. By people giving up their responsibility and putting their expectations and their goals onto somebody else, what advice would you give them to break the cycle?

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Oh boy. Well, to look at the situation and say, “Am I trying to give responsibility to someone who it’s not their responsibility to have? Am I trying to outsource my choices to someone else?” And it’ll be hard. And it’ll be a hard conversation with yourself of, “What choices am I making? Am I really the one who needs to fix this? Or is it somebody else’s fault that I’m not doing this?” And it’s usually never anyone else’s fault for you doing this. Well, and for you, it was when you found life coaching. And that was most of the answers that you were looking for and it helped you figure out most of your problems. It was great. I imagine it will be similar for many of your listeners too. Yea, I can’t recommend it enough.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Alright. Thank you so much for coming on. I loved our conversation. And I know it’s going to help a lot of people who might find themselves in that same cycle we were in for six years. So, Simone, thank you so much for coming on.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] Yea, hunny. No, I really do hope it does help because it helped us big time. And I’m very, very happy how things turned out, and are still turning out.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Alright. I love you.

[Guest: Simone Scalici] I love you too, hunny. Bye.

[Host: Andrea Scalici] Bye.

Outro:
If you loved this podcast, I want to invite you to check out The 6 Stages Weight Loss Program. It’s my signature program that’ll teach you everything you need to know from start to finish to lose weight, reach your goal, and maintain it once you’re there. You’ll also learn how to have your own back through the process. Join me over at mcccoaching.com/join. I’ll see you there.

 

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