[PODCAST EPISODE 31] How To Be An Authentic Mom

May 13, 2021
 

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About the show:
Listen to this episode to hear solid, step-by-step advice on how to be an authentic Mom. What you hear in this episode will make a huge difference in how you feel in certain situations with your kids. Which will keep you from wanting to eat food to make yourself feel better when you're not truly hungry. 

 

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Read the full episode transcript below:

Intro:
Welcome to the Weight Loss Before and After Pregnancy Podcast. The place you’ll get simple strategies you can apply to your life today to start losing weight. Strategies that’ll help you reach your goal, move on with your life, and focus on the things that matter most to you. I’m your host, Certified Life and Weight Coach, Andrea Scalici. Let’s get started.

Podcast: 
Hey everybody. Welcome to episode 31.

I’m recording this episode in late April and it’s scheduled to be released on May 13th, which happens to be the exact date my baby is due, May 13th. So I wanted to do something special, something Mom related, with this episode. Which is why today we’re going to talk about how to be an authentic Mom.

But before we get into this important topic, I’ve got a few things to share with you.

Here’s the deal. I’ve decided to take a month or so off from this podcast, after today’s episode, to focus on my new baby, to focus on my family’s transition with a new family member, and just resting for myself.

And although I won’t have another new episode for you for a few weeks, I do want to offer you two things.

One, I highly recommend you go back to the beginning of this podcast, maybe as far as episode number one, and listen or re-listen to any previous episodes. Because sometimes hearing things more than once can really help you pick up on new things or solidify concepts in your brain. You know what I mean?

And two, I also highly recommend you subscribe or stay subscribed to this podcast. And that you follow me on Facebook or Instagram. I’m @mcccoaching. And that you get on my email list by going to www.mcccoaching.com/starthere and filling out the form there.

You’ll want to do one or all of these things because I’ve got some pretty cool plans coming up that I know you’ll love.

I don’t have everything worked out yet. I still need to figure all the details out. But after I have my baby and after my midwife gives me the OK, I plan to begin the process of losing my own mom weight, my own baby weight, for the last time by the way, using my own program. The 6 Stages Weight Loss Program. And a few extra fun things. And I plan to invite you along for the ride if you’re interested. That way you can lose your own weight right alongside me, a Certified Life and Weight Coach.

Like I said I don’t have all the details figured out yet, but I do have the ideas kicking around in my mind. And I know it’s going to be a lot of fun for you and me, and it’ll be super productive for both of us.

So, if that sounds like something you want to be a part of, details will come out as soon as I have them. And you can follow me in all of the ways I mentioned to get those details when they come out, though getting on my email list is probably the best way.

It’s going to be a lot of fun and I cannot wait to connect more with you in this way and lose our weight together.

Ok. Now, let’s get into today’s topic. How to be an authentic mom.

The first thing I want to say is that I’m not a parenting coach or parenting expert. I personally get all of my parenting advice from Janet Lansbury, who I’ve mentioned on this podcast before.

But although I’m not a parenting expert, I do coach women, mostly moms, on how to lose “The Mom Weight.” Which I define as the extra weight from carrying your baby PLUS the extra weight from eating more than usual because of all the out of control emotions you feel. And for many women, those out of control emotions lead back to motherhood and raising kids and feeling like you have to do things you don’t want to do and everything that comes along with that.

So although I’m not a parenting expert, I definitely see patterns when it comes to motherhood that affect emotions and eating and all of that. And with most of the patterns I’ve seen, there’s one bit of advice, one tip, I can offer you that just might make a huge difference in your life.

The advice, the tip, is to be an authentic mom. And I know that word, authentic, is overused and thrown around a lot. Which can be annoying and confusing. Like, how do you implement that in your life? What does it really look like to be an authentic mom?

This is exactly what we’re going to talk about today. And I’m going to share my approach with you. I’m going to share with you what I think it looks like to be an authentic mom. But keep in mind that this is all my personal opinion. So take it or leave it. Listen to this episode and decide for yourself if you like my approach or not. And if you want to implement it in your own life.

Alright. Here’s my approach on how to be an authentic mom. I can pretty much sum it up in one sentence. And here it is. When it comes to your kids, tell the truth and be respectful.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do to be an authentic mom. Tell the truth and be respectful. But, and this is really important, tell the truth and be respectful after you’ve done the work to manage your thoughts and feelings.

It’s not always healthy to share your unmanaged, unfiltered thoughts and feelings with the people in your life, especially your kids, because this can create a very unbalanced, super emotional, dependent, unhealthy relationship.

I’m not saying to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and suffer in silence. No. I’m saying to learn how to manage them, how to filter them. Learn how to empower yourself to take control over your emotional life. To learn how to balance it all. And then tell the truth, which is not fact anyways, it’s your truth, your opinion, big difference, and share it  respectfully through your tone.

Let’s talk through what this might actually look like in your life. I’ve got two scenarios that might actually happen in your daily life.

Ok. Scenario one. Your child asks you a question and you feel like it would be inappropriate for you to answer this question at their current age. Maybe it’s something about sex for example.

Sometimes when this happens, when your child asks you a question you don’t want to answer, you might feel like you need to lie to your child. And this might not feel authentic to you but you don’t know what else to do. You don’t know how else to respond.

No judgement here. We’re just talking this through.

So you lie to your child. And afterwards your mind races with all of these thoughts about how you’re a terrible mom, you just lied to your child, it didn’t feel right, but you don’t know how to answer that question. There’s got to be a correct way to answer it but you just don't know what that is.

And this leads to feeling maybe disappointed with yourself, feeling unsure or uncertain as a mom. It leads to feeling maybe unsettled, guilty, and just all over confused about how to handle this situation. And sometimes these feelings are so powerful that they lead you into the kitchen to eat food to make yourself feel better, even if you’re not really hungry.

We’ve all been there before. And you might not even realize when this is happening. Which is totally normal. But if you want to lose weight, keep it off long term, and balance your emotional life, here’s what you have to do.

You have to figure out how to respond to uncomfortable questions like this from your kids. You have to figure out how to manage your thoughts and feelings in the moment. And you have to learn how to stop eating to make yourself feel better. And showing up as an authentic mom, telling the truth, and being respectful is what I recommend you do.

Here’s how I recommend doing that.

In scenario one, your child asks you a question and you feel like it would be inappropriate for you to answer this question at their current age. Like I said before, maybe it’s something about sex for example.

You don’t respond right away. You don’t rush your answer. Instead, you take a second to think about their question. You process it through your brain. You think about it from a purely factual standpoint. No drama.

And let’s say you decide that you don’t want to answer the question directly because you think they’re too young to hear the real answer. But you want to stay authentic, you want to tell the truth, and you like your reasons for deciding this.

In this scenario, you don’t have to lie or make up anything. All you’d say is something like, “Hunny, that’s a great question. And I’m glad you asked it. We will definitely talk about that together someday but I’m not ready to have that conversation with you today.”

And just leave it at that.

Now, what you say is important. That’s the telling the truth part. But how you say it is just as important. How you say it, your tone, is the being respectful part.

And if you’re thinking about the question as purely factual, no drama, no hidden agenda from your child, then answering in a respectful tone will be so much easier.

Ok. Let’s talk through one more scenario. Scenario two. Your child asks you to play with him or her. And you really don’t want to. You don’t really feel like playing. But you think you have to. You think it’s your job to play with them.

So, you play, but you’re not really there, you’re not really present, and it doesn’t feel like an authentic interaction with your child. It feels fake and forced. Which, by the way, your child will pick up on.

So, when your child initially asked you to play, you thought to yourself something like, “I don’t feel like playing right now but I have to.”

You thought, “He or she doesn’t get a lot of social interaction right now (maybe because of the pandemic) and I feel bad about that. I need to play with my child. It’s my job.”

And these thoughts lead you to feel obligated or fake or inauthentic or forced or guilty. Which might lead you into the kitchen to eat to make yourself feel better about the situation. We’ve all done something like this.

Instead, I want you to know that you aren’t forced to do anything, even if it feels like it. You aren’t forced to play with your child when they ask you to.

If your child asks you to play with him or her. And you really don’t want to, it’s more important to be honest and tell the truth than it is to lie and play when you don’t want to. And it all starts with you telling the truth to yourself first.

The truth is, you don’t need to play with your child when you don’t want to.

The truth is, you don’t have to do it.

The truth is, your child may be bored. Your child may be affected from lack of social interaction, due to the pandemic, but it’s not your job to manage their emotions. You can try but it will never work.

The truth is, it’s your job to manage your own emotions. And then, if you want to, which I highly recommend, you can teach your child how they can manage their own emotions.

But keep it separate in your mind. They are their own person. They manage their own emotions. And you are your own person. You manage your own emotions. If you learn how to do it well inside of yourself, you can then teach them how to do it inside of themselves. And they’ll grow up knowing how to regulate their emotional life.

If you see the value in approaching it this way, you know how many good things will come of it. You’ll know how to respond to your child when they ask you to play and you don’t want to. You’ll feel better in situations like this. You won’t run to the kitchen to eat food to make yourself feel better. And, as an added bonus, you can teach your kids how to do this too so they grow up feeling like they know how to handle their emotions. The big ones and the small ones.

Ok. So, let’s talk through scenario two and one way you can make this all happen.

Scenario two. Your child asks you to play with him or her. And you really don’t want to. You don’t really feel like playing. But your first thought is that you think you have to. You think it’s your job to play with them.

Instead of responding right away, you take a second to think about their request. You don’t need to rush your answer. You process it through your brain. And you decide that you really don’t want to play right now. And you like your reasons for that. But you want to respond truthfully and in the most respectful way you can.

In this scenario, all you’d say is something like, “Hunny, thank you for asking me to play. That sounds like a lot of fun. I always love when we play together. I don’t want to play right now though so you go have fun. And I’ll let you know when I want to join you."

And just leave it at that.

Now, as I said in scenario one, which applies here as well, what you say is important. That’s the telling the truth part. But how you say it is just as important. How you say it, your tone, is the being respectful part.

And if you’re thinking about the question as purely factual, no drama, no hidden agenda from your child, then answering in a respectful tone will be so much easier.

Now, let’s take a minute to talk about your child’s response. If your child expresses disappointment or sadness or boredom, I want you to know that it’s ok.

Be ok with them having their own thoughts and feelings. Be ok with them expressing their unmanaged, unfiltered thoughts and feelings. They probably will because they’re kids and they haven’t learned yet how to manage this part of their lives.

So, be ok with whatever response they give. And you just show up with genuine unconditional love, openness, acceptance, and most of all, authenticity. Stay firm with your decision to not play right now. Your child will be fine. And you cannot control their emotions. You can teach them how they can manage them as they get older, but you cannot control their emotions. You just have to be ok with whatever comes up and not take it personally.

So, let’s wrap this up now with this.

The way to be an authentic mom, in my opinion, is to tell the truth and be respectful.

The way you tell the truth, as an adult, is to learn how to manage your thoughts and feelings first. Process them inside of you first. Then, give a direct, honest answer based on your managed mind, not on your unmanaged mind.

The way you be respectful, as an adult, is by answering in a tone that is full of love, acceptance, openness, and honesty.

And when your kids are ready, you can start to teach them how to do the same thing so they can grow up knowing how to do this.

A big part of my program, The 6 Stages Weight Loss Program, teaches you how to do all of this. It teaches you how to lose weight and manage your mind and balance your emotional life. So, join my program if you want any help figuring out how to do this. This work will change your life.

Alright. As a reminder, there won’t be any new podcast episodes from me for about a month, because I’m taking time off to spend with my new baby, to focus on my family’s transition with a new family member, and just resting for myself.

But I highly recommend you listen or re-listen to any previous episodes. And I highly recommend you subscribe or stay subscribed to this podcast. And that you follow me on Facebook or Instagram. I’m @mcccoaching. And that you get on my email list by going to www.mcccoaching.com/starthere and filling out the form there.

I’ve got some pretty cool things coming up that I know you’ll love and want to be a part of.

Like I said at the beginning of this episode, I don’t have everything worked out yet. I still need to figure all the details out. But after I have my baby and after my midwife gives me the OK, I plan to begin the process of losing my own weight, for the last time, using my own program. And a few extra fun things. And I plan to invite you along for the ride so you can lose your own weight right alongside me, a Certified Life and Weight Coach.

It’s going to be a lot of fun and I’m really excited to connect more with you in this way. I’m really excited for both of us to get our bodies back and our energy. I’m really looking forward to it.

Alright everybody. Thanks for listening. I’ll talk to you in about a month. Lots of fun things ahead for all of us. Take care.

Outro:
If you loved this podcast, I want to invite you to check out The 6 Stages Weight Loss Program. It’s my signature program that’ll teach you everything you need to know from start to finish to lose weight, reach your goal, and maintain it once you’re there. You’ll also learn how to have your own back through the process. Join me over at mcccoaching.com/join. I’ll see you there.

 

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